Who Are You Outside of Being a Dad? | Fatherhood, Mental Health & Self-Mastery for Modern Fathers

Who are you—outside of being a dad?

In this powerful episode of 15 Minutes with Dad, host Lirec Williams explores how fathers can rediscover their personal identity and purpose beyond parenthood. Because when you lose yourself in the process of providing and protecting, you risk showing up emotionally empty.

Through reflection, growth insights, and references to Brené Brown’s work on authenticity and Dr. Carl Rogers’ theories on self-acceptance, Lirec unpacks why self-discovery isn’t selfish—it’s essential.

You’ll learn how reconnecting with your passions, friendships, and goals helps build emotional healing, mental health, and parenting resilience—all of which make you a stronger, more grounded father.

🎯 What You’ll Learn:

• Why men lose their sense of self in fatherhood
• How exploring your purpose renews your energy and leadership
• The role of emotional health in building family balance
• Five practical ways to reconnect with your non-dad identity
• How self-love and presence model healthy masculinity for your children

💡 Key Takeaway:
Fatherhood should expand who you are, not erase it. When you grow as a man, your children grow through you.

Chapters

• 2:25 Identity Check For Fathers
• 3:19 The Cost Of Losing Yourself
• 5:11 Fatherhood Expands Identity
• 6:17 Lyric’s Story: Competition And Jiu-Jitsu
• 8:22 Health Transformation And Energy
• 10:29 Practical Steps To Reclaim Identity
• 13:22 Set Time, Find Brothers, Reflect
• 15:23 Integrating Manhood And Fatherhood
• 17:01 Weekly Challenge And Closing

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 1:13

Hey, what's going on, brother? My name is Lyric Williams. Welcome back to another episode of 15 Minutes with Dad. I want to start with this one quick question that might make you pause. Who are you outside of being a dad? It's a question most men don't ask themselves until life slows down or something falls apart. For a lot of us, fatherhood becomes our entire identity. We pour into everyone else, our kids, our partners, our work, and somewhere in the process we lose the man we used to be. This episode is called the father's identity check. Because if you forget who you are, it's hard to show your children what wholesomeness looks like. Let's get into it. If you're like me, fatherhood changed everything. You stop thinking in terms of me, and you started thinking in terms of we. For some of us, your schedule changes, your priorities shift, your dreams start competing with your responsibilities, and somewhere along the line, you forget what lights you up. Psychologist Dr. Carl Rogers once said that the curious paradox of life is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. The truth is you can't lead with authenticity if you're disconnected from yourself. When you lose sight of your own identity outside of being a father, you start showing up empty. You give and you give until there's nothing left. But no one ever taught us how to refill. This isn't selfishness. This is sustainability. Your kids don't need a perfect dad. They need a fulfilled one. Just so you know, there is a cost of a lost identity. When fathers lose touch with who they are, it shows up everywhere. It looks like irritability, like snapping over small things, like feeling restless and disconnected when you're home. Studies from the American Journal of Men's Health show that men who lack a strong sense of personal identity are twice as likely to experience burnout, depression, and emotional withdrawal, especially fathers. Because when your only identity is being a provider or a protector, you start believing your worth comes from performance and not presence. But being a father was never meant to replace your identity, it was meant to expand it. So let me ask you again. Who are you when no one calls you dad? Are you a friend who shows up, a man who creates, a dreamer who still has goals of his own? A man of faith, of fitness, of art, of laughter. You are still a whole human being with passions, desires, and dreams that matter. And when you rediscover those parts of yourself, your kids get to see what wholesomeness looks like in real life. Dr. Brene Brown calls this the power of wholehearted living. It's the courage to show up as your true self, even when you're still becoming it. When you live like that, your children don't just see a father, they see a blueprint of self-acceptance. Now I can tell you that I spent a lot of my fatherhood navigating this whole identity portion. The whole life of my first child was me trying to discover who I am as a person. And I didn't figure it out until my second child, when my first child was 16. And it took a long time, but I'm giving you a quicker blueprint than that. I learned, I read a few books about self-discovery. I read this book called Inner Excellence by Jim Murphy. And it taught me specifically that I enjoy competition. And if I don't have competition, I'm not driven, right? Like, so I need that. I was, I mean, I grew up in adversity. So it's only right that competition becomes something that is a part of my life. And so, you know, I signed up for jujitsu with my ex's son, and it's like something I wanted him to do for his growth and self-discipline and all those good things. And I was just doing it with him to do it with him. And then I actually after I read that book, it changed my whole perspective. I was like, this is the key to my for me not reaching my full potential, is the fact that I don't, I have not sought after competition. And so I signed up for a judicial competition after a few months of you know training in it. And at first, before I even said this, I probably went twice in three months. And then once I decided that I was going to compete, I was like, okay, well, now I don't want to get my butt kicked by the guy on the other side, so I need to go more often. I started going almost every day, more than my plus son at the time. And so I competed my first three months, and then I've competed four times since then, and I'm only eight months in. So every month I've competed once or twice in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. And I'm I'm just in it. But I also, this is what I got out of it. When I realized that, I got my health back. When I tell you, I was battling with heart problems, high cholesterol. I was fighting with fatigue, couldn't walk upstairs without breathing too hard. My knees were hurting all the time. Like I was on some, you know, some cholesterol medicine and all this stuff to kind of manage and keep me alive. And I'm, I mean, my cholesterol was at stroke level. It was bad. But it wasn't until I did that I got my health back. I can run miles. I can run a mile and under nine minutes. Eight minutes and 40 something seconds was my lowest time that I ran a mile. And I don't remember running a mile in years. In years, just for the heck of it. Now I run miles just for the heck of it. I used to have to run a quarter of a mile and stop. But I can run a mile easy. I can run two miles easy. But that's all because I started searching for my identity. And I found my identity in the fact that I'm a competitor. I'm driven by that. And so what I'm I get, I say all this to say, when you find when you start searching for an identity outside of being a dad, it gives you all the things that you need to be a dad longer. I got my health back. So I am able to be a father longer in my kids' life. I'm able to live longer. I'm able to be healthier, be more active with my kids and jump and climb. Like I was doing this with my two-year-old. I was climbing on things that I haven't been able to do. I was afraid that, oh man, I'm at this age with this son who's a taller who wants to climb on everything and I won't be able to get there with them. I was in the playground climbing this really tall structure with one arm and him in my arms for him to experience some fun that he wanted. And so that activeness came from me finding my identity. So that's I'll leave with that and let's move, let's keep moving on. If you've lost yourself a little in the chaos of parenting, here's how you start finding your way back. I've told you about what I did, but let me give you some direct pointers. Revisit what used to bring you joy. Think back to what you loved before life got busy. Was it music? Was it fitness? Was it writing, volunteering? Bring it back in small doses. So for me, it was Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. And why was it Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu? I've never done Brazilian Jiu Jitsu up until now, but I wrestled in high school and I loved it. And I wanted to do so much with it. I was like, I want to go and wrestle for a college. Like, and I did pretty well in it. And I wanted to get better in it. And I and I like it was a part of my identity at that time as a teenager. And so I was like, let me try this jujitsu stuff because it's it seems like wrestling. And when I got into a competition, I was like, oh, I could do this. And I've done pretty well. I've placed in every competition I've been in. And some were harder than others. I've lost some, but I've won some. And it's been a beautiful thing for me. And now I'm setting my goals on fighting in an international competition for jujitsu. And we'll see how that goes. That's in Atlanta on December, or not December, and on February 6th or something like that. The second step I would say is set time for yourself. Schedule it like you would a meeting. Self-care isn't a reward, it's maintenance. For me, self-care was going to take this class and getting absolutely smashed the entire time for about an hour or so. A couple days out of the week. That was my time. Even if they were there, my brain was on the mat. It was on the mat. And it's it was my time. And it made the world of a difference. And even when there was maybe a time where, you know, it kind of conflicted, and my partner was like, hey man, I need you to, you know, spend more time here or do this and that. And I was like, well, okay, but you know, I can't do it at this time because this time is my time. This is what I do. I come home, I get ready, and then I go, you know, that kind of thing. The third is connect with other men who are growing. And I used to tell my plus son this all the time: iron sharpens iron. Surround yourself with brothers who talk about purpose and not gossip. Finding brothers who are genuinely growing and pushing for a higher purpose is so exciting and it's so energizing to be around because some of them are doing some great things, and there may be places that you guys can interact and collaborate on some things. It's so amazing. And in jujitsu is easy because all the guys there, they want to get better at something. And that's just in jiu-jitsu. But like, you know, it's I could tell you when you go to jujitsu with the problem, when you get a 200 and something pound person with his chest in your face and smothering you, you have no problems in the world other than that chest smothering you, and it takes your problems away. But also, everybody in there understands it, you know, and it's a camaraderie. Number four, make sure you reflect reflect daily. Like ask yourself, what part of me did I show up as today? Also ask yourself, what part of myself did I neglect? And make sure the last one is to make sure that you dream again. It's okay to have personal goals. In fact, it teaches your children to chase theirs without guilt. Man, I've been since I started jujitsu, I've been setting a crazier goal every a crazier goal every month. I was like, all right, this month I'm going to compete three times. You know, I'm gonna go and compete in this one, on this one, and I'm gonna go and travel to a whole nother state to compete because I just want to see what it's like. Just goals. I keep setting these goals, and these things are seems frivolous, but it's also opening my mind to believe that I am I am great at something. I may not beat every person I go against, but it is such an exciting and fun time to be able to fight to work towards something and then go and compete against another person who's also working towards that thing. And I'm able to show up as my best self, and that person shows up to their best self, and whatever happens, happens. But brother, this isn't about walking away from fatherhood. It's about walking back into your manhood fully alive. Fully alive. There are things that used to make you you that you have put aside because you like, I got kids now. I can't worry about that. But I will urge you, that is the that is the worst way to go about it. It will be the detriment to yourself, to your relationship with your significant other. In some cases, when you find that your relationship has squandered and you've given everything that you've got, it usually bars down to the point that you lost yourself somewhere along the way. You're either accepting something that is less value, like accepting yourself as less valuable, whereas you're able, you're enabling or taking anything from this relationship, or you're not the person that you once was in your relationship. Being a father is a part of who you are, but it's not all of you. The balance comes when you integrate the two. When the man you are fuels the father you're becoming. Your strength as a dad grows when your identity as a man is whole. Because when your children see you doing things that fill your soul, working out, learning, serving, laughing, whatever that may be, they're watching balance in real time. And that's how you model self-love, mental health, emotional presence. So your challenge this week is do one thing that feeds your soul. It could be journaling, calling a friend, chatting, talking, taking a walk with them, or working on that thing you've been putting off. Something that reminds you that you're still you. Your kids need a father, they need to know the man behind the title dad. And when you live fully, they learn how to live freely. This is 15 minutes with dad. I'm Lyric Williams, and I'm proud of you, bro. Keep growing, keep rediscovering, because the more whole you become, the more love your family receives.