Chat With My Daughter: Open Wounds, Healing Hearts - How to Overcome Teen Self-Harm

When I discovered my daughter was self-harming, my world tilted on its axis. What followed was a journey through fear, confusion, and ultimately, profound healing. This raw conversation with Mariah marks the first time we've publicly shared our experience navigating teen self-harm together.

We dive deep into how self-harm began for Mariah at just 10 years old while adjusting to a new blended family and school environment. She courageously reveals her feelings of neglect and isolation that led to harmful coping mechanisms, while I share my initial blindness to the warning signs and the gut-wrenching moment of discovery. Together, we challenge the dangerous misconception that self-harm is merely attention-seeking behavior rather than what it truly is – a desperate cry for help from someone drowning in emotions they can't process alone.

Our healing path wasn't linear or simple. We discuss the comprehensive approach that worked for us: daily check-ins featuring highs, lows, and self-affirmations; therapy both in and outside school; music as emotional regulation; and most critically, developing open communication where judgment was replaced with understanding. The vigilance required was extreme – removing sharp objects, monitoring shower time, keeping doors open – but these measures came from a place of fierce protection rather than punishment.

For parents and teens currently walking this difficult road, we offer hard-won wisdom: struggling doesn't mean someone is broken; it means they're still fighting. Healing requires patience, consistency, and creating safe spaces where emotions can be expressed without fear. Though the journey is messy, it's absolutely possible to emerge on the other side with stronger bonds and healthier coping mechanisms. If you're battling similar challenges, know that you're not alone – and that love is always worth showing up for.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988, or chat 988Lifeline.org for 24/7, confidential support.

Crisis Text Line: Text “START” to 741-741

LGBT Youth Suicide Hotline: 1-866-4-U-T

Chapters

• 1:46 Welcome to 15 Minutes with Dad
• 3:04 Why This Conversation Matters
• 5:42 Lyric & Mariah's Personal Journey
• 10:40 Signs Parents Often Miss
• 18:07 From Crisis to Communication
• 28:09 Building Effective Coping Strategies
• 36:32 The Path to Healing
• 46:47 Hope and Encouragement
• 52:07 Closing Thoughts

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:55

hey, what's going on, you guys?

Speaker 2: 0:56

my name is lyric and it's your girl, mariah, and this is 15 minutes with dad and today we are having a really awesome conversation together.

Speaker 1: 1:05

uh, mariah has graced us with her presence again. Again, yay, high five. Uh, if you, if you have not tuned in with 15 Minutes with Dad, just know that we pride ourselves in supporting fathers as they learn to become a better father every single day and learn how to build relationships with their family, their kids, their partners and so forth and so on. Today we're going to actually be talking about something pretty heavy and if, just as a trigger warning, if you are having mental health issues or episodes, make sure that you go get the help that you need we are going to be talking about our personal journey through, like coping together in a father-daughter conversation on teen self-harm, because it's real, out here in East Greets, people are really going through this and we went through this and we felt that it was very important to have this kind of conversation with other people as well.

Speaker 1: 2:13

So let's get into it with other people as well. So let's get into it. So let's begin with an introduction and why this conversation matters for us personally us personally and why I think it would be good for the audience.

Speaker 1: 2:32

So for and I'll start off, actually I talked enough. How about you talk? Because we missed your voice, miss hearing you. Uh, great, let me hear it. Just grace us with the sound. Okay, that's it, that's it that's all I needed to hear. Uh, no, go ahead. I'm sorry. Why is this conversation? Why does this conversation matter? Like, why is it? Is it important to you to have this conversation? Because you thought of this topic?

Speaker 2: 3:00

I think that's important because I feel like a lot of parents go through this. We went through this as well and we've come out on the other side a lot better and we have better coping, like exercises, and we have better communication about it. We have like all this stuff that like like I think that would be helpful for and beneficial for other people to understand so they're not going into this whole thing like blind, not blindsided, but like uninformed.

Speaker 1: 3:38

Yeah, yeah, uninformed, I agree. On a personal note, it hits straight home, um, because it was a. It was a journey and it was years of time that we had to navigate it. So it was a a huge phase that we had to work through. But I'm I'm really excited to be able to have this conversation because it was a time where me personally, I thought that I wasn't a good father. I had all the different triggers and we'll talk about that through here.

Speaker 1: 4:04

But there is hope and I just want to let you know that this is a safe space for teens and for dads and for navigating the complexities of self-harm. So just know that this is a safe space and we will be candid as we can, but we'll also open it up for questions. So just want to let you know another warning like I'm encouraging you to prioritize your wellbeing, do not go through this conversation. Do not, if it triggers you in any sort of way, make sure that you get the help that you need. So there is hope and we're going to get into understanding, coping and healing. So let's share your personal journey. Let's start with your personal journey. How did you first or how did you experience overwhelming emotions and what led you to um those previous kind of coping behaviors um well, so it started in like fifth grade and I think what kind of like led to it was like.

Speaker 2: 5:12

it was like I wasn't like, felt like I like I don't know how to explain Like I'm not saying like, oh, I didn't get the love that I needed, but I did feel like I was kind of not neglected, but I wasn't getting the attention that I needed.

Speaker 1: 5:28

You can be fair, be candid as you want, because I'm candid on the other side. So nobody, no secrets here. So, yeah, maybe some secrets, but no secrets.

Speaker 2: 5:37

I felt like kind of neglected and I felt like I couldn't go to anybody. So I feel like I was going through all these like emotions, like I was at a new school, we had just moved like up here to Ohio and I just like, instead of like I felt like I couldn't really talk to anybody about it because, I don't know, I felt like that was kind of like a me thing. I don't like you didn't purposely make me feel like like, oh, like I don't love you or anything, like I still felt the love, but I felt like I personally didn't feel like I could talk to anybody, especially because, like this was like a new thing for me and all that stuff. So you were.

Speaker 1: 6:14

You were were uh early on in age and like like 11, 10.

Speaker 1: 6:18

I was like 10, yeah 10 years old, and so we were like we were. It was a lot of changes taking place. I was in a blended family Uh, she had to share my love for the like fully for the for the first time, like with other uh kids that also looked up to me as dad, and then we were navigating all their traumas as well, and so, like it was a really tough time. My transitioning was hard too and I was also depressed and I wasn't able to be there with her. But, like that time period and I tell you this, we didn't. I didn't notice, I didn't notice it.

Speaker 1: 6:59

Um, she was using a lot of social media. Then we were trying to, we were. I was looking like she was like, you know, doing bad, like failing in school or like not really caring about school, um, and I didn't know that she was self-harming, um, but you know, she didn't really care about herself. She wasn't taking showers. She was like let me not put you out there like that I was like dang okay I was like guys there were signs.

Speaker 1: 7:25

There were signs that I did not um, take heed, and it wasn't vocal um, but what was the things that I was doing? That I thought I was helping was actually like surface level, uh, where we remember that study I made you read about the social media and its impact on brains.

Speaker 1: 7:44

And so we did, we did I had a read through that. We talked to social media. I started limiting her social media, but it was just that was only the icing on the cake. You know, like, I mean like the tip of the iceberg. I mean, uh, in regards to that and so, um, her coping behaviors was unknown to me, um, and I didn't even know that, like, hey, you're probably gonna like at this at that age, that those are the type of things that is normal. So I just want to say that to parents like, like, when a kid is 10, 11, their brains are opening up to a whole new world and it's important that you are along for the journey, because they're seeing themselves in a space, in a world, and really trying to figure out, like, hey, who am I Like, why am I here? And then, every time you get in trouble, it's like, bro, why am I going through this? I like, why am I here? And and then, every time you get in trouble, it's like, bro, why am I going through this?

Speaker 2: 8:40

like, why am I?

Speaker 1: 8:40

even here for this, like I don't even have to be here. You know, like that real self-actualizing, so and and like, what was it like to open up when? Let me just start off but say there was no opening? There wasn't an open up, it was more of like a forced opening, um, and it wasn't pretty uh to to kind of get that, to get that door cracked open. It was more like it was at a, at a turning point where, um, and you can tell about your journey, like where, where, like leading up to the point of like opening up and like how it made you feel, or like what made you feel safe enough to start opening up more well, like I know, at the beginning, like when you first found out, it was like I told my counselor and she told you and I remember you picked me up from school early that day and I was so scared you were gonna be mad because I didn't tell you.

Speaker 2: 9:45

But then I feel like after that first conversation, like I feel like it really kind of helped me, like like I realized like, oh, like I wasn't gonna get in trouble for this, you know, like it wasn't something I was gonna be punished for, but more like helped, like I was gonna be more helped, you know, and I feel like that like kind of helped me talk to you a lot more about it, like being more open on when you say it.

Speaker 1: 10:13

We haven't even named it. What was, what was it? What was it that your counselor did that? It? What was, what was it? What was it that your counselor did that? And then she called me like what was it? She did like an assessment on your, your um, suicidal ideation, so like how a self-harm wait, like in seventh grade or eighth grade. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 10:34

Yeah, so basically yeah. So my counselor called me down during class and basically did like an assessment to see if I was at a risk.

Speaker 1: 10:47

It was mental health week at school as well, right, wasn't it? No, like it was like they were doing. They were, they did, did like they sent, like a letter into your class and then everybody filled out a little paper and then they got back to her and then then she did an assessment further oh, yeah, yeah yeah that was like another time, though that was different.

Speaker 2: 11:08

This was like you saw the scars and you like, told the counselor, you called, you called the school about it you told the school about it and oh, that was another time.

Speaker 1: 11:19

Yeah, yeah, it's been a journey it's been a journey, so yeah but how did I find the scars?

Speaker 2: 11:26

it was because, um, I think like there's like this time it was like after the dance and I had shorts on. I think it was these shorts on and like I was asleep or something like on the floor and you said, like you've seen them like cuts and I had band-aids and all that stuff oh yeah, yeah, I've suppressed all that trauma at this point.

Speaker 1: 11:49

I know it was bad so let's kind of then kind of reel it back in. So you were saying that you begin to feel safe. When I approached you in a helping manner and not a I'm upset manner, yeah, and from a father's perspective, I was afraid, I was scared, I was so afraid to lose my child. I was so afraid to lose my child and that was like I called the school because I was like I need help. I don't have, I don't know where to go from here. I've never dealt with this before with my child and we've been like I got help in the middle school and then we transferred and kind of like kept some support in, uh, in high school as well, and for different stages of of her life and and because they're all not the same.

Speaker 1: 12:45

But but I would say that that cry out to the, to the um, the counselor, in that moment was like the best thing I probably ever could have did at that time.

Speaker 1: 12:56

Yeah, um, because I, like you know, some parents egos will burn up and be like I don't teach my child to do that or that's for this, or, like you know, like some cultures kind of look at mental health problems as being like a sickness or illness or as because you're doing this, it was because you're doing this or it's because you're doing that, but it was more of like how do I save my child?

Speaker 1: 13:19

Um, and so that's a great point. And like the signs that like, obviously I saw cuts, but that was, that's the end game, that's like the that's the deep into it moment, like there are signs, um, that kind of lead up to those moments and but I was like lucky enough to catch or see something that alarmed me, um, where she had an extensive amount of like, um, you know, the self-harm cups which, if you, a lot of teenagers are doing it like that, like little nicks and not like cutting other wrists, like back in the day, we used, you know when, when we're older, the goth people, they, you know, like people would like. You know, suicide wasn't, it was just a thing that just randomly happened and it seemed that way, uh, but now kids have information and like access to things and that they can use to harm, like the tool, like the tools that you were making makeshifting to do the thing is what is alarmed me more than anything like I feel like I was doing whatever I could just like be able to do.

Speaker 2: 14:37

that Like I broke razors just to get the razor out and like pencil sharpeners.

Speaker 1: 14:43

Yeah, everything's sharp, bro I was. I was on every like she was bubbled up. I had like bubble wrap on everything like bubble wrap on her and like no, no sharp objects in the house. Like I got rid of all my knives.

Speaker 2: 14:58

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 14:59

And I could tell you there were moments and I I made sure that I like poured love into her as much as I possibly could during that time and even though, like I held her accountable, so it wasn't like a soft approach, right, like we didn't, like I wasn't like a hey, I know you're going through it, I just want to make sure you're good, I'll give you your space. No, I was all up in her stuff.

Speaker 2: 15:27

I couldn't even close my door.

Speaker 1: 15:29

No, she couldn't close her door like like she took a shower.

Speaker 2: 15:35

I timed it yeah, I had to ask to take a shower.

Speaker 1: 15:39

Yeah, to let him know I was taking a shower you can't just be jumping in the shower, you don't, don't be staying in there too long because I don't know what you're doing in there. Um, but I invaded her privacy. But we talked throughout the entirety of it of like why I'm invading her privacy, because I don't trust her with herself. And when I tell you, like for parents that are scared to approach their kids, or for you parents that are scared to kind of like, go you know and be all up in their shit, kids still appreciate that part, like my daughter see me fighting for her life, and so she fought too.

Speaker 1: 16:21

And I think that like it went a long way to see that, even though it convinced, it inconvenienced me, I didn't care. Like there were things that, like I, like I picked her up from up from school, she, she couldn't hang out with certain friends anymore. Like I was there, she couldn't. Like I would pick her up, I would leave from work, pick her up, drop her off. She literally went nowhere without me being there and she wasn't even allowed to be in her room for a certain amount of time.

Speaker 1: 16:50

Like she didn't go to a room until bedtime I remember that like I was, because I was so afraid I didn't know what the next move would be, um, but there's a moment when things kind of shift and we noticed a shift and it's like she's smiling more, she's being more like she's positively talking about herself, or she starts noticing she, you started noticing your friends and and how they are not good in that regard you know, um.

Speaker 1: 17:23

So let's, let's talk about um. Actually, let me drive into like mistakes that I think that I made when, when I got upset at the timing of your progression Like when you, when I didn't feel like you were changed or shifting fast enough or anything that I was doing was working fast enough it made me more frustrated or like more um, like aggressive on things that I like how I didn't want you to like do anything, like your freedoms were gone, but I was, I was, I feel like what I did wrong was is that when you felt, when you could sense how angry I was at how you were talking about yourself or feeling about yourself, or like you know, I was desperate and I and I feel like I those are being in that desperation I made some. Maybe talk to you in a way that could do was counterintuitive, and I had to go back and figure it out and then come back and talk to you, and so those were some mistakes. It's like making sure that I'm deliberate about my language but deliberate about my actions as well.

Speaker 1: 18:31

And then I got. I finally got a. I had to get therapy as well to kind of help me understand how to like be there and cope with her, so like, and when I'm talking about emotions, like what were some emotions when you were going through um, like when you were trying to navigate that space or you seen me there in your, in everything- I think I was at like first.

Speaker 2: 18:59

I think I was like really agitated because I'm like, bro, why are you here all the time? Like I feel like, not like I was overwhelmed by your presence, but I was overwhelmed by your presence. But I was overwhelmed by your presence. Like you were just there, you know, and like like at first I was just like like this is doing too much, you know.

Speaker 2: 19:16

But then I feel like like after like a couple of days or something like that, I was like, oh yeah, I like I understand why you're doing that and like I like realized like that, is you fighting for me when I'm like, when it's hard for me to fight for myself, you know? Then I think that was extremely helpful for me, because I was like like I didn't want you to be pushing for me, but I start, I just give up on myself, you know, and that's just going to be like you putting all this work and all this time and all this money for nothing, you know. And I feel like that was like extremely helpful. But like during that time, I did feel like why are you here?

Speaker 1: 19:58

Like like leave and we fought so much. And another one of my mistakes was arguing with you during those times, like I let you kind of guide the conversations, knowing that it's uncomfortable for you. I kind of fell into those conversations where I'm trying to explain myself or, like you know, make you understand why I'm doing what I'm doing. But when I say I was aggressive, I was in there, bro I was like no bro, where are you breathing towards? Don't even breathe in that direction why are you looking over there?

Speaker 1: 20:32

yeah, that air ain't even good for you. We over here, we over here with this, but yeah, so like, um, like there are some misconceptions about kids that are doing this. Do you feel like, or do you know of any misconceptions that people have of kids that are doing the self-harm stuff?

Speaker 2: 21:01

I think a really common misconception or whatever is people thinking that like people, like kids, are doing that for attention you know that's a good one. Like they're not doing it for attention. It's more of a cry for help Like that, like like it's a way to get your attention. Not like attention, like like oh my gosh, like what happened. It's more trying to get your attention to see that they're in pain and that they need your help and they need your love and they need you to be pouring into them more.

Speaker 1: 21:33

Like I think that is like a really common common misconception, and I think that I had that misconception, um, earlier on, and it wasn't until there were an extreme amount of of them, because I think we had a talk about it earlier on a couple times where I was like, hey, stop doing it. Like why are you doing it? Like you know, I'm thinking that it's you know, you're just doing it because it's a trend and everybody else is doing it. But in reality, like it became this thing, like whenever you felt any emotion, yeah, you did it and and I didn't notice that you just didn't have coping skills. Um, and I mean, when I I read books, guys, yeah, I read, I read books. I well, I listened to podcasts, therapy, I had to educate myself on how to save my child, because this did not come with a book manual and all this. But I read books just so I can be able to talk in a way that made sense and not for my ego. Ego.

Speaker 1: 22:48

And some kids, I think, turn to self-harm, like you said, one because it's a cry for help, like they're feeling something and they don't know how to navigate those emotions. And the reality is, when kids are turning teens, they're having an explosive amount of emotions, uh, and when you have. There's different ways that people tend to cope with things. Like you know, you may find somebody that's in, you know, like, oh, I'm gonna work out, or I'm gonna go do this other thing, or I'm gonna go take this walk, or I'm gonna be in this sport, or I like to do this, and this is my escape. Mariah was in all of those. She was in sports, uh, she worked out, um, and all of that stuff, but it was like she turned herself home because literally there was emotions and she had in those complex emotions it wasn't like happy, sad, it was more like anxiousness, like the complex ones that you really can't explain.

Speaker 1: 23:46

You just feel it, you know, and kind of like and I'm not trying to talk for you, but like oh yeah um, this is what I've learned, but like, teens tend to turn to this because they have no actual skills to cope with. Um, and when I say like, like coping, I'm talking about like breathing techniques. I'm talking about, um, like these weird things that people may think are like for crazy people, but it's not, it's for everybody. I do that too. Um, so like, can you talk about the like, the silent battle that many teens face, that parents may miss for the most part? Like, and you can talk about like from your own personal experience where things where you feel like I miss and I don't understand, even right today, because I'm still learning you every day.

Speaker 2: 24:42

So um, I think, wait, what was the first question?

Speaker 1: 24:47

it was like what, um like, what are some of the silent battles that you think that teens go through, that parents may miss?

Speaker 2: 24:57

I feel like something teens go through that parents would miss would be like they're going through so much anxiety, you know, at school and then if they're doing a sport like balancing that and then homework or like if they're in any other extracurricular activities. It's like that anxiety and all that stuff and then also comparing ourselves with a lot of people, like different people. I feel like that's something that I go through a lot and that is definitely a battle that I go through is comparing myself like is definitely a battle that I go through is comparing myself, like, oh, I don't think I'm beautiful because this person's prettier, this person's prettier, this person, you know.

Speaker 2: 25:38

But I think, like, like, especially with social media and stuff, like that is really yeah, yeah you see a lot of.

Speaker 1: 25:49

You see a lot of different people a lot of different people, a lot of different looks.

Speaker 2: 25:53

A lot of different lives. You're like, oh, I wish, I want that, I want that. And they start feeling. They start feeling like not desperate, but they start feeling like.

Speaker 1: 26:02

Hopeless.

Speaker 2: 26:03

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 26:05

Yeah, that's fair, and I think a lot of parents tend to let social media just run free in their kid's life because it entertains them. But we've had a love-hate relationship with social media.

Speaker 1: 26:19

I think that we've grown a little bit better. We still, like you, notice when it's affecting you and I think that you probably do a better job of like managing it now. You probably do a better job of like, um, managing it now, whereas before, like you know it was, it was, it was a love-hate relationship, like social media and and I and I and I didn't like, I didn't know, I didn't understand much about social media until you got into it, like when musically was out, I had no idea what the heck musically was and like I thought she was just making videos to be, you know, cool, but she was literally out here being seen by millions of people and I didn't even know, or you know, or potentially millions of people, until then I noticed, I learned, I learned what it was. I was like holy crap. And then ever since then it's been downhill, literally. But we're on tiktok now, so we're trying to figure out. But I just want to take a moment and, just for parents that are in the middle of it, I want to take a moment and reassure you that I'm overlooking this one. I want to reassure you that there is hope.

Speaker 1: 27:27

Struggling a kid struggling means that they're still fighting Doesn't mean that they're broken or that they cannot be fixed.

Speaker 1: 27:35

It requires your patience, your love and understanding that what they're going through like the stuff that Mariah just mentioned, like going through the comparisons of themselves, like our language matters. Imagine your child coming home after feeling inadequate or incapable and they come home and we also say that they're not good enough and we also compare them to someone else. It kind of reinforces the negative that they experience and it's important that we learn to talk with love and affirmations. And that's something that I had to learn is I had to watch my tongue and how I talk and be mindful that kids aren't made of steel and even if they are made of steel, steel can bend, steel can break, steel can be shaved down and when we are negligent with our words, it does that. So let's talk about coping strategies. I think that everybody wants to know how, what are things that you did and what are things that I did as a parent to help you through your coping. So what are some things?

Speaker 2: 28:58

that you did to cope, that you found that were helpful.

Speaker 2: 28:59

I think the therapy was really helpful for me, like being able to talk to someone outside of you, because I feel like what, if I wanted to talk about you no, I'm joking, I ain't man, I ain talk about you down, joke, no, but um, that, um.

Speaker 2: 29:15

And whenever we went to the hospital and they like were asking me like or not asking, but we like came up with some things too, and one of them was like listening to music. I think listening to music has been really helpful in my life because I I feel like like there's like like all types of music for whatever you're feeling. So I feel like that kind of helps me and it's like you know, you can't be sad, and listening to hype music, like that's just, that just can't happen. So I feel like if I'm down, like I'll like listen to some, you know some hype music and I'll be like I'll be fine, like you know, know like, or if I'm like sometimes I'll just listen to sad music, I'll just sit in it, you know, because sometimes you just gotta sit in it. But, um, that was really helpful for me too and us, like you remember whenever we did those like check-ins, daily check-ins and stuff those were like really helpful.

Speaker 2: 30:05

Like we talked about our highs and the low and three things I liked about myself. I remember that I think that was like really helpful for me as well, because I was, I had to really think and I had to give myself like affirmations. You know, it's different when it's coming from somebody else and coming from yourself, because when it's coming from yourself then it's like it's in you, you know, and so like you like, if it's like from somebody else, you know you can be like, oh, you're just lying. Like if it's like from somebody else, you know you can be like, oh, you're just lying, but if it's like from you, you got it, you have to see it you know, in order to actually think it.

Speaker 2: 30:36

So I feel like like that was like really helpful for me as well, and that's like talking through the day and talking and I feel like the communication was really the best part. Like was really like what helped me a lot.

Speaker 1: 30:49

Yeah, yeah, yeah part like was really like what helped me a lot, yeah, yeah, yeah, the that's um, that's that's a lot of great points and and I'll touch base on, like what you said what one of the tactics that you mentioned, like the, uh, the check-ins. I really enjoyed the check-ins, um, because I would normally before then I would, you know, send my daughter to school and I would go to work and then we'll talk about it when we get home and she's going through life at school. And so I started as a parent I'm going to tell you what I, what I did to kind of help create like this holistic, well-rounded approach. So there's, she spent most of her time at school. So my thought process was she needs resources at school. Luckily, she has a, you know a counselor at school and that has other you know resources that come in to kind of like engage with the kids. So she has a counselor at school that I was able to have a build a relationship with and let her know like, hey, this is what we're working on. And so she did check-ins, regular check-ins with Mariah as well, when she gave her a space where, if things get crazy and she needed to step away, that she had a place to go, that she could go and work through her coping strategies. So, and she used it. The beautiful thing go that she could go and and and work through her coping strategies. So, and she used it. The the beautiful thing is that she used it, um, and so that's in school.

Speaker 1: 32:17

And then, while she's in school throughout her day, um, I would you know, we did daily check-ins and for a moment at first it was like you know, um, she was just doing it to do it. I know she didn't want to do it, it was doing too much, but I was like you know, I asked her what is a high that's happened so far in your day? What is a low that's happened so far in your day? And then give me three things that you like about yourself. And I asked her to do that. That wasn't in a book anywhere. That's game. Y'all got to pay me for that one. But no like, what I did was is I kept her engaging with affirmations, so she had to look at herself positively, in a positive light, even if she was making it up. She had to kind of pull that from somewhere to text it to me, and we did that for a long time, until the point where it was like it became a habit. It was just a normal thing.

Speaker 1: 33:21

We knew that at 12 o'clock it's time to talk, time to check in, and that was that was what we did. And outside of that, there was a period where she was going to a therapist outside as well. So I had her an external therapist that she had sessions with. I made sure that we had conversations about mental health on a regular basis, like if I'm asking her hey, how are you dealing with this? So understanding that she has a situation of dealing with or coping with stressful situations. So when stressful situations are on its way, we talk about it. When she is going to have a stressful situation, or when you were having a stressful situation, we talked about it. Whether it's like dealing with friends, dealing with people, we talked about it and I spent I tried to spend more time listening than I was talking, and when she said communication, I just showed up. I had to shut up. That was the communication.

Speaker 2: 34:22

Learned eventually.

Speaker 1: 34:23

Yeah, I had to shut up and I'm still working on shutting up, but I'm I'm doing a better job of having I can, I can have a conversation about how she feels easier, and it's a regular thing, like we, we talk about more about how we feel about things than what it is that happened, and so, um, I can tell you that me and me and Mariah has, uh, even closer, but I used to think, like we were so close back then and then, when I was in the midst of fighting for her, like when I say 365 days, but like we count, she taught she, she kept track.

Speaker 1: 35:03

She was like it's been, you know, she kept a tally of every day, of how many days that you did not self-harm in the first, like what? 400, and some day, 450 days, almost, yeah, 460, 470 days. But she literally tallied in every milestone. We celebrated, yeah, like we celebrated on her 100th, 200th, wait, yeah, 300th, 357th, and like, like, uh, we celebrated those milestones. I was there, we were there together celebrating the fact that she did not want and as she got further from it, like, maybe I think you can explain how was, like, the first, maybe 250 days of like, not doing it.

Speaker 2: 35:51

I felt like it was hard, like really hard, because it became like an addiction for me. You know that was like not my safe haven, but that was like something I felt like I could go back to. You know like, if like I like something kind of like made me feel upset, your coping strategies didn't work.

Speaker 1: 36:06

You were like me feel upset. Any of your coping strategies didn't work. You were like I'm just going to do it yeah.

Speaker 2: 36:12

So I feel like not doing it was hard, but like it kind of became a habit to not do it.

Speaker 2: 36:20

You know, like I sometimes I forget I even did that. You know, I forget that was even a thing that happened. And like all that stuff, like it wasn't really like. Like it wasn't something that was like in my head. That's like, oh, I need to do this today, I need to do this today. Like, like it was like yeah, like it wasn't something I would like before I would kind of look forward to it, but like afterwards I wouldn't like. That was like something I wasn't even in my mind at the point.

Speaker 1: 36:51

Yeah, and and I and I would tell you from my perspective it was I was glad and even though we were at 250, even though we got to 357, I still was on alert, like I'm I think I'm, I'm on alert now, like I'm on alert even right today. If I see like, oh, like she had, would you have the nail clippers, oh yeah, in your bed, or something, I was like, I looked in. If I see like, oh, like she had, would you have the nail clippers, oh yeah, in your bed, or something, I was like, I looked in there, I was like they've got some sharp objects here, what you got, what you got this for, you know, like, and I held it up, like it was drugs, like what you, what you doing with this, right, like clipping my nails, bro, like I gotta clean them. I was like, oh, my bad, you're right. Um, so, like, quite like, let's go to.

Speaker 1: 37:35

I want to talk about like, um, and we, and she talked about that, she talked about her, like the fact that she built a habit, um, aside from how I supported, or I was involved in that support of that, that, that habit building, what are you, what are some things that you, that you did that kind of helped you, like you personally that helped you get away from it, or like help you keep your mind away from those things as habits that you built as a habit during that time, um, I think it was I.

Speaker 2: 38:12

I kind of like gave myself like the why, like like not the why, but like why to not do it. You know, like it was like, like I have these other resources I can use and like I don't want, I don't want to do it because it affects other people other than myself. You know, like yeah, I'm doing it to myself myself, but it also affects you, and thinking like on how you feel, like as a father, you know you're like, oh, I'm like failing my child because she is doing this, and so I think that was my why to not do. It was because, like I didn't want to hurt anybody else by hurting myself and yeah, why do you not do it now?

Speaker 2: 39:00

why do I not do it now? Because I mean, that's just not something I feel like I have to revert back to. You know, I feel like I'm in a better mental space, that like I don't like. I don't feel the need to do it, I don't feel the want to do it, I don't feel the want to do it like and stuff, and I feel like I can come to you a lot like more like I feel like I come to you a lot more than I used to like about like any situations like like irritating me or like something like this somebody said this, something like this happened at school or something like that. I feel like I can come to you a lot more than just holding it into myself, because I feel like, whenever I was holding it in and I wasn't talking to anybody, like I would tell you stuff but I wouldn't tell you the depth of it yeah, but because I'll be like oh yeah, I know that, I know that, like when I want to.

Speaker 1: 39:49

When your counselor came, she was like, oh, did you hear about that? I was like, oh yeah, I know this, but did you know this? And I was like, oh, I didn't know that part.

Speaker 2: 39:57

She should tell me that part yeah, I feel like that, like telling you, really helped a lot like talking to you, talking to me about the details of the situations and how it made you feel.

Speaker 1: 40:11

And and I think now, even when things like this, to be fair or to be honest with y'all, it's not about this whole thing that we're talking about. It's not saying that your child won't feel those feelings ever again. This is specifically talking about that. They will be stronger, they could be stronger, in coping with those feelings, because sometimes, mariah, she still reaches out to me at random times and be like dad, I'm having a hard time dealing with this, or like I'm overwhelmed right now, and you know she would call me and I would stop everything at work and I would sit with her and tell her you know, give her some coping strategies. If I could, or I would say, hey, like, take a, take a second, take a breath, go to the bathroom, get some water, throw it on your face, like whatever. If, if there was these moments where she could not handle it, she reached out to me and, um, and I would drop everything to make sure that she's, that she could get back to what she was doing. And then I and I know that that's the case and I want to tell you parents, that if you're blowing off your child as a, as a means of inconvenience to say like, hey, go and figure it out. These emotional things teens can't figure out by themselves. It's a world that we didn't teach them for, you can't prepare them for, because they just feel it and they don't know what to do with these emotions. So I encourage you to make sure you keep an open conversation with your kids. Speak directly to your teens and let them know how they are not alone and you are, and let them know how they are more than they're struggling. I think that's how we kind of like approached it when I had a conversation and saying like you are feeling these things, you are doing these things for these feelings, but this, this, it does not define you, um, and that that character, like separating the person from the things that they're doing and letting know like you did the things and I'm I care more about you than the fact that you did the things, like you're not in trouble, that you did the things. I am just here because I am concerned and I love you and the goal is to make progress and not perfection, and so that was an issue that I had earlier on, because I was expecting that by me telling her this by me telling her stuff that it would fix. It was a practice. It became a practice as I learned I had to be more involved. It was a practice. It became a practice as I learned I had to be more involved. It became a practice and like when you take out perfection and letting your child know that they are going to make more mistakes, they're going to potentially go back into the things and we're going to keep on trying, even if that thing happens is very important. Even if that thing happens is very important. So, like, as you heard Mariah say, she found a safe person and she has multiple safe people right For different levels of conversation she can talk to a counselor, she can talk to Alma, she can talk to me, she can talk to her friends and she's kind of dwindled her friend list and have certain people that she talked to. But I think that it makes a big difference for your child to have safe people, even if you're not the one that is safe for them and I had.

Speaker 1: 43:36

That was probably the hardest thing for me to grasp out of this whole thing was that I was not your protector. Your village was your protector. I couldn't protect you by myself. I could not protect you by myself and I had to, literally, like I never asked for help and it was. This was one of those situations where, like I had no answers, I couldn't protect you and I had to call, I had to scream out to the world somebody, I need help, I need some support and I you know I forgot your counselor's name, but I went and had a meeting, you know, having a meeting with her.

Speaker 2: 44:26

Which one?

Speaker 1: 44:28

The middle school one.

Speaker 2: 44:29

Miss Williams.

Speaker 1: 44:30

Miss Williams. Yeah, I had a meeting with her and I walked into this office I'll tell you all the story, because I love telling stories walked into this office and I seen this board, the circle, this, this matrix of emotion words, and I looked at these things and I was, like I only know five, melancholic right good, bad happen, sad, angry, but it was like like eons of all these different words, and that opened me up to even want to do therapy.

Speaker 1: 45:06

when I seen you struggling, it made me want to address my struggle too, because I, as a, I've never healed my inner child, and the stuff that you were going through I never actually sought support for, and so I've been in therapy now, too, for almost a year, I think. So let me go a little further here. And so we've already talked about building a support system, empowering your teen to choose healing and making sure that you are speaking love into your kids. Let's talk about some words to leave our listeners for the journey ahead. Like what do you want? What do you? What do you think teens want in their journey from their parents? Like what do you think they would like to have from their parents for kids and this is like a general statement. It's very hard to as, but it's like a generalized statement what do you think that teens want from their parents when they're struggling with coping with emotions?

Speaker 2: 46:31

I think teens want. They want like to be able to have that open communication without feeling like their parents are going to be mad or their parents are going to judge them, or like their parents are going to send them away or something. I feel like that was my big fears. I thought I was going to be sent away.

Speaker 1: 46:46

I just got money to ship you off. Now you stuck.

Speaker 2: 46:50

Yeah, like, I feel like, like that is definitely something like teens want you know, Like they want to feel that they are loved still and that you know, like they're still your child, they're still your baby, like even though, even if they made a mistake, mm-hmm. Like they don't want to feel demeaned. Is that the word I'm thinking of? They don't want to feel demeaned because of the pain that they're going through. That'd be weird, but but like, yeah, they don't want to.

Speaker 1: 47:25

They don't want to be judged on their pain, you know yeah, like that's fair.

Speaker 2: 47:26

They want to be understood and like they want to. Yeah, they want to be understood.

Speaker 1: 47:36

I feel like that was, that's a good man, that's, that's, that's good, and I feel like parents have a hard time with that we, especially dads, um, because we're not taught to really understand emotions either. Um, yeah, that's, that was some good, those, some good points. Understanding, um, you know, loving them throughout all that pain.

Speaker 2: 47:59

Did you make a face?

Speaker 1: 48:01

I caught you Loving them throughout their pain and like it takes courage. So what would you say to teens? What message would you leave teens with from this episode?

Speaker 2: 48:38

knows what I'm feeling, but in reality, everybody's like. I feel, like teens, like we feel not the same emotions but, like you know, the same surrounding emotions, you know. So you're not alone in it and you can talk to. You can talk to your parents, you know, if they're open to it, if, like, I strongly encourage you to talk to your parents and, you know, find friends that you can talk to about it, like, even if they're struggling with it as well, y'all can have a communication with each other and help each other to get better and talk to, you know, a counselor.

Speaker 2: 49:11

That was really helpful for me was talking to somebody in school. That was really helpful for me was talking to somebody in school, like, if you're like, like because that is where you spend most of your day is at school, like, except for weekends, obviously, but like having some support system at school is extremely helpful. Having people you can go to, like, even if it's a teacher, you know like a teacher aid, like you know something like that, like, like having somebody to talk to, is so much more helpful than keeping it in, because keeping it in is just gonna make it like so much more worse, because, like you're just, you're just in your thoughts, but you would also. You also need to hear those outside words, you know, instead of having to roam through all these feelings and all these emotions by yourself and in your head.

Speaker 1: 49:58

Yeah, yeah that was good. Thank you, you might be a podcaster out here might be should come back on episode more.

Speaker 1: 50:06

I'm gonna show more often oh yeah, for sure but like, let's, let's be honest, parents, this, these kind of conversations are not easy. It's hard to take these, you know. Face these extremely hard conversations. Learn a thing, just like they may have become independent with tasks, they can put their own clothes on, wipe their own butts, they can. You know, they're potty trained the whole nine. But they're still your kids.

Speaker 1: 50:48

And the next stage is emotions. And you have to be able to be there to have a conversation with how they cope and navigate emotions and deal with hardship, and these can lead to deeper conversations. If you're having trouble with being close to your parents, I can assure you that by starting with trying to understand the concept of their emotions and the feelings, just letting them talk through it, they'll get to the solution. It got to a point where I was just like and she would get herself through to where she needed to be and she'll be like all right, dad, you know, and she'll just dip, uh, and I won't see her for another year, but anyways. But I encourage you to have these hard conversations, um, because without them you cannot know your child the way you want to know your child and love your child. So healing is messy but possible, and love is always worth showing up for. So make sure that you are showing up for your child and with that, thank you for joining us 15 Minutes with Dad. My name is Lyric.

Speaker 2: 51:58

My name is Mariah.

Speaker 1: 51:59

And this is 15 Minutes with Dad. Yeah, thank you guys. Bye.