Note to Dads: The Holidays are Yours Too - Take Part, Savor the moment & Stop Spectating

What if being truly present during the holidays could transform your family dynamics and deepen your relationships? Join me, Lirec, as I share my personal journey from being a distracted provider to embracing the essence of presence with loved ones. Through heartfelt memories and insightful therapy reflections, this episode uncovers the profound impact of engaging with family during the festive season. Whether it's the joy of watching your children unwrap gifts or the warmth of a shared meal, we explore how savoring experiences with all five senses can create lasting memories.

Scrolling through memes about dads watching their families enjoy the festivities, I realized the significance of stepping beyond the sidelines. Listen as I recount my struggles with staying present, especially during the holiday season, and how addressing these challenges led to a newfound joy that rekindled my holiday spirit. From playing chess with my kids to breaking down stereotypes by participating in activities like coloring, I learned the importance of emotional investment and open-heartedness. This conversation is a testament to the fulfilling bonds that form when we lead with presence and leave behind preconceived notions, ultimately enriching our family life.

Chapters

• 0:00 Creating Memories by Being Present
• 9:14 Learning to Be Present in Relationships
• 15:47 The Power of Being Present

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:48

Hey, what's going on, dads? Welcome to another episode of 15 Minutes with Dad. My name is Lyric, your host, and we love talking about family. We love talking about mental health and all things daddom. Thank you again for joining me. Happy holidays to everyone listening.

Speaker 1: 1:08

I'm going to drop a few episodes this holiday and you're going to be able to have a conversation. Listen to a conversation that I have with different family members, but today I'm going to drop a few episodes this holiday and you're going to be able to have a conversation listen to a conversation that I have with different family members, but today I'm talking to you myself, and during this holiday I tried something different than I would in every single other holiday and I talked about being present in a few episodes ago, and today I'm going to be talking about how to create that space to be present and I'm going to guide it based on this meme that someone posted one of my friends posted and I'm going to read it out and essentially it says women, when your husband says he doesn't want anything for Christmas, he's not being hard to shop for. He's being honest. Men buy what they want, need throughout the year. Socks and undershirts really are enough, and if stuff it's stuff we need. Christmas is more about you and the children to us. On Christmas morning, we want to watch our wives and kids opening presents and getting excited while drinking coffee and a Christmas movie playing in the background. We want to put stuff together and watch you all enjoy it. We have all we need with you. I love this quote. We, as dads, do this, and there's this micro chasm that exists in these spaces where we do these things, and so today we'll be addressing this meme that I just mentioned before, and thank you for joining me.

Speaker 1: 2:46

If you haven't liked, shared or subscribed to this podcast, you can find us on every social media platform. You can find us on every podcast streaming platform that you can talk, you can think of, from Deezer to PodTube to Spotify and iTunes, so make sure that you go and rate us, and you can send us a message directly as well, so let's get into it. Can send us a message directly as well, so let's get into it. All right, dads, welcome back Again. My name is Lyric.

Speaker 1: 3:25

Let's jump into this episode where we talk about creating space for being present during the holidays, based on this quote. I talked about this quote where it says, basically buying us socks and shirts is all we need. We like to watch you guys, the wife, the family and the kids opening up presents and drinking our coffee with a Christmas movie playing in the background. We want to put the stuff together and then watch our kids enjoy it.

Speaker 1: 3:56

There are pieces in it I mentioned before that it's not that I have a problem with it. It's some things that I think are this micro piece that exists when these big moments that happens in our life and these places, that where we create memories and where we usually take the back seat to kind of watch all the experience happen and we take that in as like, yes, this is great and we, you know, take it all in and that's, that's a good thing. But we also have this place, this space that exists, where we could create something and actively be a part of the memory that's taken place when we're waking up on, when our kids are waking up on Christmas morning or and our wives are, you know, everybody's getting ready, they're opening presents or taking videos, they're getting excited about their stuff and laughing and smiling, and we're, you know, drinking our coffee and smiling while watching them. Where are we in the picture in our kids' mind and our wives' mind in that moment when our kids are excited or enjoying their new toy, or you know, what are we doing in that time frame, and so I wanted to use this quote. But it also connects to something that I've been working on this year, specifically surrounding holidays, and I chose that, but it's actually been a detriment to a lot of moments that I could have created memories with my family and I learned, like, as a part of my therapy throughout this past year, is it got down to the point where I don't?

Speaker 1: 5:43

I'm always thinking about what next? I'm always thinking about what can I do next to make this better, what can I do next after this? Or while I'm in something, I'm never really savoring the moment. And I'm going to use the word savoring quite a bit, and it's kind of based off a podcast that I listened to a while back. But savoring the moment, how are we savoring that moment? And my therapist mentioned to me like, hey, you need to. And my therapist mentioned to me like, hey, you need to.

Speaker 1: 6:12

You can try connecting these moments to create memories in your life instead of just trying to survive them or get done with them, whether it's a party, whether it's friends coming over, whether it's, you know, you're entertaining people dinner with in-laws, whatever that may be. We tend to dread some of these things and then we're like, oh my God, I can't wait till it's over. But, in reality, all of these moments are our experiences, and a thing that she mentions to me is that, in order to really create a memory, your memory is based on how you experience the environment with your five senses, and so something that I decided to do this year regarding that is to make sure that I create memories with my family and be present in a way that I am able to savor the moment with while using my five senses. So that's, you know, something that we eat, or something that has a feeling to it, or maybe it's, um, you know, like a feeling that I'm, you know, creating whether I'm hugging my, my kids, or um, and I do this on a regular, but it was something about me intentionally doing it that has made this experience so far that much better when I say that, with my intentional savoring of my moments, I have learned how much I take my life for granted and the moments that I have with my family, how long I've taken it for granted.

Speaker 1: 7:53

For instance, there was a moment where I woke up early in the morning and I gave my teenage daughter a hug before she walked out. I woke up to go take a walk at early in the morning and she was leaving and I gave her a hug and I watched her run. She was late but I watched her run to get on the bus and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was like, wow, I have not seen my daughter get on a bus in a long time, in years, in years, and it made me cry a little bit because I felt like I've missed so much something so subtle as my teenage daughter getting on the bus. And she's been riding, she'll ride. She's been riding the bus to school all her life. You know, and and you know I used to for a year. There was a year or two that I just dropped her off at school, but like I didn't, you know, missing those times of her getting up and going to school, saying good morning, being the first person she see before she goes to school. Like I missed a lot of that and and and I and I and I hate that I did, you know, and and so, and I hate that. I did, you know, but that was like the first, you know, hit of mine when I started this journey of being present.

Speaker 1: 9:14

Holidays are usually bad in my relationship. We usually fight during this time, and so the goal that we made was like, okay, we're going to be present, like she always, my girlfriend, always used to tell me hey, you need to be present, you need to be present. I'm like what the hell? I'm here, like how much more present can I be? I'm here, but like I understand now what she meant and my mind was always somewhere else. Maybe it's a message, maybe it's a call, maybe it's business, maybe I'm talking about work, maybe I'm talking about business, like I'm talking about some project that I'm working on, and I wasn't actually savoring the moment. I was there Drinking my coffee, smiling at my kids While they experienced the world, my girlfriend watching. They experienced the world, the world, and my girlfriend they experience the world. It's almost as if I'm riding life for the ride.

Speaker 1: 12:02

And if you think about it, dads, a lot of us sit back and just look at our family Because we are proud of what we made with our hands. We made a family right, but it's the other. This is one of those micro pieces that people don't tell you about because we just emulate it and I don't think women ever liked it. They never liked it. This is kind of like I was saying earlier a microcosm that exists and the underlining disruption of a relationship is our ability to be present and experience. We think like, okay, we provide, we create this atmosphere for our family to do and be. We create this environment for them to be their best and live their best life. But what about our part in the story? About our part in the story? What about our part in the story where we are actively carving identity into our family? Where is our leadership, our servant leadership, where we're there? Where our servant leadership? Where we're there with our family, smiling, holding, laughing, joking, showing patience, all that good stuff during the lifespan of our relationship and our lifetimes.

Speaker 1: 13:51

I have learned so much in these last couple months. This Christmas has been the best. I mean, let me tell you how crazy this Christmas, how much better, how good this Christmas has been to me. In my mind, this Christmas has been so good. I walking around, I'm all day at work singing mariah carey, whistling it. Um, what else? Singing it, whistling it, humming it. All I want for Christmas is you. I swear to you guys, I hated that song with every bit of my being, from the moment she popped her head out like a groundhog to the moment that she went back underground.

Speaker 1: 14:41

I tell you you, I'm, I, I am and I've been enjoying this christmas so much that I've actually felt what christmas spirit is, whereas I felt like I've suppressed that crap since I was a teenager. I was like man, christmas sucks around here and I've just stopped caring about it, not saying that christmas is like oh my god, like, but it's a, it's a time for family, just like thanksgiving or whatever easter with all these different holidays, but it's like, it's a time for family. Whether you celebrate holidays or not, it's a time for family. And this I was able to pour into. I have been able to pour into my family in a way that I have never had, and I've had to deal with things and realize that, okay, I'm not used to engaging with them in this way and I'm having to learn how to engage differently and actually talk to them and say hey, look, I was wrong for saying how I said it. I do feel how I felt, but I am wrong for saying how I said it. Like I'm able to visualize and see how my family is reacting or how my family is taking in who I am.

Speaker 1: 15:48

If you are not actively present, your family won't know how to engage with you at any time. If your family's ever told you, man, I don't even know how to talk, like I don't know how to talk to you, you're always upset, you're always angry, it's because you're not present, bro. It's because you're not present and you're not actively engaging through your life. You're riding the ride along the ride. Because you did your job, you gotta got work, got income coming in, family gets to do stuff, kids get paid for you know stuff get paid for with the kids. The wife get to do what she want, like all of that good stuff, like that's cool. But you actually got to be a human out here in these streets. You got to be a real human and that means engaging with people, your family, and being present in those memories.

Speaker 1: 16:43

Sitting down and playing a game, like I play a game of chess with my four-year-old. This kid is crazy. He, just like he loves chess, shout out to Emmy, he loves chess. And I couldn't be more happy for him. And I love chess too, so I sit down and I play with him. I play with my 10-year-old Abraham. Play with him. I can't get my 10-year-old Abraham Play with him. I can't get my 16-year-old to play much. She don't like to play it, but she loves basketball, so I meet her there. You have to be present.

Speaker 1: 17:18

Fathers Like um I'm talking about the dads that are having are feeling like their relationship is kind of going crap and they're like somebody said hey, I need you to be present. You got to put work down, got to put your phone down, your next project down, your next goal down. You got to put it down for a couple of moments to actually ingest and savor the moment with your senses smell, sight, touch, taste, hear your hearing. My girlfriend was like hey, let's color, let's print out some pictures and we're going to make a family bingo. She was like we're going to print out the pictures, we're going to color them and then we're going to scan them back in and make a homemade bingo game. I was like, bro, I got ADHD. That's a lot of steps. I was like I don't even know. That's a lot of steps. I was like I don't even know. I'm just gonna do the first step. Well, you need me to print it out. Okay, I printed it out and she's like, all right, we're gonna color it. She was like you want to color too? I was like, uh, not really. But you know, like I didn't tell her not really, but in my head I was like, fuck, no, I don't want to do that. But. But I was like, okay, you know, I'm in, didn't tell her not really, but in my head I was like, fuck, I don't want to do that. But. But I was like, okay, you know, I'm in the, in the heat of trying to be present, I'm going to do it. And so I did it. And I'm going to tell you the thoughts that went through my head.

Speaker 1: 18:51

As soon as I got that, got that piece of paper, I looked at everybody else's paper. They were all coloring, and my daughter, my 16 year old daughter, my 10 year old and my girlfriend they were all sitting at the table. They were coloring and it was. I was like, oh my god, you guys color good. And I was like, man, we all color different. It's gonna take us different amounts of time how we're gonna get this bingo together.

Speaker 1: 19:09

Like, oh my god, there's so many pieces on my color, like on my paper, that I have to color all these different colors, some of this white, like a snowman. How the hell do I color a snowman? I was thinking of all these things that had nothing to do with the point of the, the coloring thing, and so I just started coloring on this thing and I'm like upset, it's not coming out. I'm like, oh my god, this is a terrible color. This is a terrible color too is a terrible color choice. I was over here judging before I even started. This paper is fully black and white, which is lines and some white, and I have maybe a couple of color specs and then, toward the middle of it, I'm like, oh my God, this is great, this is fun.

Speaker 1: 19:50

I started enjoying this thing that I was despising and finding all these different reasons why I shouldn't do it. Because I'm not dead. I haven't colored in so long. I don't remember the last time I colored like. My daughter was probably in middle school, elementary, even when I last colored, just because she had something that I needed to color with her or we were coloring together. I was teaching her color better, something, whatever that is. There was a purpose behind it, but this was just coloring, just for the sake of coloring, and I had so much anxiety starting it off because I'm like I'm a dad, I don't color. I'm a real dude. Real dudes don't color.

Speaker 1: 20:29

Now, I'm joking, but I end up coloring this thing and it looks gorgeous. It looks beautiful. And my girlfriend's like, oh my god, that's great. You know. My daughter's like, oh my God, that's pretty. And I look at it and I'm looking at it right now as I talk to you guys. It's a snowman in a snow globe with a Christmas tree and a present. And I look at this thing and I was like it ain't even done. I'm like I got so much more I want to do, but and my daughter came over while I was coloring. I got so much more I want to do, but and my daughter came over while I was coloring. I remember she was like oh my God, I like what you did with that snow right there. And I was like what you like it, you know like but. And so I use it as an example of like.

Speaker 1: 21:16

Those comments that they made in that moment to me uplifted me in a way that I wasn't uplifting myself, I wasn't pouring into myself. My family had a moment where I met them and I sat at this table with them and I colored with them in silence, picking my little colors, going back to my little paper, coloring it while everybody's coloring their things, taking my little colors, going back to my little paper, coloring it while everybody's coloring their things, and they were able to pour into me in a way that I don't ever give them an opportunity to, because I'm always pouring into them, and I was like, oh my God, I like this part, I like this thing and I'm like you know what? It is cool, thank you. You know, like when you're active, you get something back from your family, when you're present with them. And so, if I go back to this little meme that I started off with, when it said that Christmas is more about you and the children to us, it's about all of us. We're all in need of being pouring. And if your wife wants to buy you a gift and she asks you what you want, tell her, even if she can't afford it. If you know her budget ain't what it is, you know, tell her what you want anyway, but I can assure you you give her something to reach for, to please you, to pour into you. It's our job to give our family ways to pour into us. We pour into them by way of how we are with them, provide for them, love on them, hug on them, but we need to give them a way to feel human as well. Our wives, our kids we have to give them a way to feel human. Our partners, we got to give them a way to feel human.

Speaker 1: 23:05

And I had a therapy session. I remember this therapy session a long time ago when my therapist asked me so when was the last time you let one of your friends do you a favor? And I was like I don't even ask for favors, I don't ask for favors. She and you know like, like, when people offer you things, do you take it? I was like usually not like, I'm not really, you know, but he was like, actually, the way that you this is like two different therapists, by the way, if I said she earlier and he, I have two different therapists, by the way, if I said she earlier and I have two different therapists from different times, but it was more into the side of like.

Speaker 1: 23:47

In order for people to feel human, they need to feel like they're a part of something, to feel a part of something, they have to give into that thing. And if you are in someone's life and them giving in to you is their way of being connected to you. And so when someone offers something, take it. And that's my words to you. When your family wants to give you a thing, even if it seems like it's their last thing, maybe it seems like they're sacrificing to give you a thing, take it Because they will appreciate the fact that they are able to pour into your life, dad that may be, take it, open up, be present and let your family pour into you by creating a space for yourself to be present. That's my message for you guys today. Real short and sweet. I don't know if it's short, but very sweet. If you liked what you heard today and you feel that my message can come across or really get to explain this thing to your loved one or dad in your life or whoever, pass this message along, pass this podcast along, forward this to people.

Speaker 1: 25:14

Next year my goal is to do us be more present in this podcasting space and be more of a vocal space. I said space a lot. Well, if you like what you heard today, take this episode. Share it with anybody that you feel can appreciate this episode, appreciate this episode. That is the episode for today. If you feel like what I talked about today resonates with you and resonates what you think may resonate with someone else, please share it with those people. I am Lyric and I enjoyed having you here with me today. Thank you for listening and I hope that you are able to create a space where you are able to be present with your family and allow them to pour into you this holiday season. Thank you very much. Y'all take care.