Mastering Co-Parenting: How to Set Effective Boundaries

What if you could navigate the complexities of co-parenting with ease and maintain harmony for your children? 

Join me, Lirec Williams, as we unravel the secrets behind setting and maintaining effective co-parenting boundaries. Discover how to handle new partners entering the scene and the potential impact this might have on your kids. 

We discuss five essential strategies for creating boundaries, like setting specific communication times and respecting each other's parenting time. Learn how to gracefully manage last-minute schedule changes and keep conversations centered on the kids using respectful communication techniques, including the power of "I" statements.

When boundaries get tested, staying composed is key. Listen as we explore techniques to manage pushback and foster a healthy co-parenting relationship. Understand why it's crucial to set, respect, and adjust boundaries to nurture a conducive environment for everyone involved. Don't miss our interactive live call-in segment, Dad Lets Chat, each Friday, where real-life co-parenting challenges are brought to light. Keep up with us on social media for daily tips, and remember, strong boundaries are the cornerstone of a successful co-parenting journey.

Chapters

• 0:00 Effective Co-Parenting Boundaries
• 16:32 Navigating Co-Parenting Boundaries

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:40

If you wanted to discuss that new partner, I would say be mindful of the fact that that person is moving on and give them the opportunity to give them the space to. They may be moving faster than you because you may not have gone to therapy and fixed it, and I know a lot of women tend to move on a lot quicker than men do when they're in a long term relationship, because the woman had broken up with the guy eons ago and the guy hasn't really had time to really adjust it. And I'm not saying that women have to cater their next steps to the man that they no longer want to be with. But it is important to have a conversation about this new partner and not abrasively bring a new person around the kids and this goes for the men too. Welcome to another episode of 15 Minutes with Dad co-parenting series, where we talk about real strategies for thriving as a co-parent. I'm your host, lyric Williams, and today we're going to dive into a critical part of any healthy co-parenting relationship creating and maintaining effective boundaries. Boundaries are like the guardrails that keep co-parenting running smoothly. They protect your peace, set clear expectations and help prevent conflicts. But boundaries aren't just about setting limits. They're about defining what you need for your well-being and communicating that in a way that fosters respect and understanding. In this episode, we'll walk through five key strategies for establishing boundaries, along with examples that bring each strategy to life. Before we get started, make sure you're following us on social media at 15 Minutes with Dad for more insights, and don't forget to check out our free three-part co-parenting workshop at 15minuteswithdadcom.

Speaker 1: 2:22

Forward slash co parent. It's designed to help you navigate co-parenting with clarity and confidence. All right, so let's jump into it. Setting boundaries and co-parenting can be challenging, but it's one of the most powerful ways to create respectful, stable environments for your kids. Today, I'll bring down five essential strategies for effective boundaries and how do you establish them, each with real-life examples to help make them practical and achievable. Let's get started.

Speaker 1: 2:54

First up, let's talk about defining your boundaries clearly. This is the foundation for any boundary setting. It's about identifying what boundaries you need for your own well-being and a smooth co-parenting relationship. Being specific is key. Know exactly what you need and why it's important. Here are three examples to help you define your boundaries clearly.

Speaker 1: 3:18

One communication timing. You may decide you only want to communicate with your parent during set hours to avoid late night messages and interruptions at work. For instance, you can set a boundary like let's keep all communication between 9 am and 7 pm. Number two personal timing and space. Maybe you like to avoid any unplanned visits from your co-parent when the children are with you. The boundary here could be, though please let me know in advance if you need to pick something up when the kids are here so we can arrange a convenient time. Number three respecting parenting time. If you need your time with the kids to be uninterrupted, you can do that. You could establish a boundary around limiting calls and check-ins from your co-parent during your parenting time. For example, you might say during my weekends with the kids, let's limit calls to once a day, unless it's an emergency, and I know that personally.

Speaker 1: 4:20

When I used to spend time with my daughter, the mother of my daughter used to call her, check in on her, and then, when I got over the phone, that was even more, because she was like texting her all the time. So my daughter really wasn't present. She was always responding to her mom because she didn't want me and her mom her mom and I to fight, and so she would constantly check in with her and my daughter would never be present in those moments and I had to go to a point of at first it was aggressive to take that phone away from her while she's with me just so that she can interact, and make her mom have to call through me in order to talk to her daughter whenever it was during my parenting time. And during her parenting time I was limited, like I couldn't talk to her unless her mom. You know, let her talk to her and there was times where her mom used to ground her from talking to me. It was crazy. I won't go deep into that, but that's just the kind of level set on how dramatic it could be or something that you could be experiencing.

Speaker 1: 5:24

So make sure that you define your boundaries clearly. When you define your boundaries clearly, it sets you up for success, because you know exactly what you need and can communicate it directly. So next let's move on to communicating boundaries with respect. This step is all about sharing your boundaries in a way that's assertive but respectful. When you communicate boundaries, use I statements to express your needs without assigning blame or criticism. Here are three examples to make this step practical, because I know it's kind of difficult when emotions are involved. So the first thing that you can do is setting a communication preference. So you might say I feel like it's best if we keep our conversations focused on the kids so we avoid any past conflicts. This way you're setting a clear boundary around the scope of conversation without placing blame. I know that for a lot of you fathers who are fresh out of the relationship, a lot of your conversations are going to be about how the person did you wrong and you defending yourself on how you didn't do them wrong and all the things that they believe and feel about you. At that point it is time to focus completely on your kids. Make only the conversation solely about your kids. Anything outside of that, it will be new fights happening about old stuff forever and you're not really getting to the point.

Speaker 1: 6:52

Number two managing last minute schedule changes. This is probably a big pet peeve of mine and I'm pretty sure either your co-parents have issues with you doing that or you have issues with them doing that. But if you'd like more notice for changes in the parenting schedule, you could say I need at least 24 hours notice for any schedule adjustment so I can plan accordingly. Is that doable for you? And if that's not, how do I help that become doable for you doable for you. And if that's not, how do I help that become doable for you? Managing conflicts, those last minute changes and those last minute changes is essential, man. I can't even I can't dive deep into that. Enough is, when someone makes a last minute schedule change, they're not actually being courteous of your time and their life is so tumultuous that it's now seeping into yours, or vice versa, for anyone that's watching this.

Speaker 1: 7:49

And the last one is a real critical one that I think a lot of people go into this world without actually taking it sensitively, and that's discussing new parents. If you feel uncomfortable discussing your co-parents' new relationship around the kids, you might say I prefer if we keep our personal relationships private and not discuss them in front of the children. This helps keep the focus on them when y'all are around them. If you wanted to discuss that new partner, I would say be mindful of the fact that that person is moving on and give them the opportunity to give them the space to. They may be moving faster than you because you may not have gone to therapy and fixed it, and I know a lot of women tend to move on a lot quicker than men do when they're in a long-term relationship, because the woman had broken up with the guy eons ago and the guy hasn't really had time to really adjust it. And I'm not saying that women have to cater their next steps to the man that they no longer want to be with, but it is important to have a conversation about this new partner and not abrasively bring a new person around the kids, and this goes for the men too.

Speaker 1: 9:02

It's essential that you communicate through this point, because at this point you're no longer partners in a relationship, but you're partners in a co-parenting situation where you have to make sure that you guys create the best environment with these new people and make sure that these new people are actually brought in and onboarded with the plan that you guys created for your kids, like you're managing the life of your children. You're no longer parenting, but you're managing the life of your children, and so it's almost as if a business you're bringing new employees in to come and do work. You want to onboard them with information that you two have already agreed on, because they're their third party, and I've been in that situation many times where I got with someone and they didn't even communicate it to the other person or they. That person had to find out by seeing us somewhere, and then it becomes like this abrasive situation and the thing that I've learned over time is that it's important that you talk about this person, with that person, before they meet them, before they run into them, before you even engage with your children with this person. I mean, I know there's sometimes you let them meet. Okay, this is my friend, but essentially you want to make sure that your partner is aware of this, so that when you, when your child, goes over to their house, to your co-parent's house, that it's not a, it's not caught off guard, because hearing it from a child is different from hearing it from a mature adult explaining and have a conversation and for some, this conversation may not be pleasant, no matter how you do it, because of immaturity, the emotional immaturity of the person that you left. So I am aware of that, but for the most part, just try it.

Speaker 1: 10:53

Now let's talk about seeking agreement. This step acknowledges that not every boundary will be met with instant agreement, but finding common ground is key. You want to strive for a mutual understanding that respects each parent's needs. The first parenting time adjustments, if one of you need flexibility with parenting time. You could say something like I understand you need flexibility for work. Let's agree on a plan for occasional schedule changes that works for both of us so it doesn't disrupt the kid's routine.

Speaker 1: 11:30

Number two approaching decision making together. If there's a shared responsibility, like school decisions, you could say I'd like us to have an agreement on how we make major school decisions. Can we set up a process for discussing this so we're both involved? Number three limiting call frequency. This one is a very important one because a lot of parents feel like because I was with that person, I'm entitled to call that person anytime I want because they used to be mine, and blah, blah, blah. Your ego can be involved. All these different reasons on why this is so critical. If frequent calls are causing tension, you might say I understand it's important for you to check in with the kids, but let's agree on a call schedule that allows everyone some downtime to check in with the kids. But let's agree on a call schedule that allows everyone some downtime. And seeking agreement helps you find a compromise that works for both of you, keeping the children's best interest at heart. And again, this is ideal. This isn't something that you can cascade. But I know that consistency and consistently using these strategies you will be able to get your co-parent to move along through the process better, because it becomes a moment where somebody's not pulling their weight and most times parents have their egos involved in their parenting and their co-parenting relationship. So making sure that you focus on your child the entire time will help ease along the process over time. But staying consistent is even more, which brings me to my next step.

Speaker 1: 13:02

The fourth strategy is to implement consistency. Implement this consistently. Consistency is key to maintaining boundaries. Without it, boundaries can become blurred or ineffective. And here are three examples of how to put boundaries into practice consistently. First is follow through on scheduling agreements. If you agreed on 24 hour notice for schedule changes, make sure you're both sticking to it. Consistency shows that you're committed to respecting each other's time. Number two maintaining communication hours. If you set boundaries around communication hours, avoid reaching out outside of those times unless it's urgent. This helps build trust and respect around the greed upon boundaries. The third is respecting time with kids. If you've set a boundary around minimizing calls during parenting time, stick to it, even if you're tempted to check in. Consistent action reinforce the boundary and makes it easier for your co-parents to respect it too. Implementing boundaries consistently shows your commitment to the agreements you've made and reinforce a stable environment for your children. And finally, let's talk about adjusting these boundaries as needed. I know that I said earlier multiple times that these are ideal. They are not cascaded equally across every relationship. Every relationship is different, but these are strategies that are important to creating and setting boundaries consistently within your co-parenting dynamic. So life changes and so do co-parenting dynamics as your children grow and situations shift.

Speaker 1: 14:58

Be open to revisiting and adjusting boundaries. Here are three examples Adapting to new schedules as your kid gets older. School and extracurriculars might impact parenting time. So be open to adjusting schedules in a way that supports your child's needs. Updating communication boundaries so be open to adjusting schedules in a way that supports your child's needs. Updating communication boundaries If one parent starts a new job with different hours, you might need to adjust communication times to make them more convenient for everyone. Three reevaluating financial contribution If one parent's financial situation changes significantly, it might be time to revisit contributions to ensure they're fair and manageable. Adjusting boundaries when necessary keeps them relevant and ensures they continue to serve everyone's needs, especially the kids.

Speaker 1: 15:56

Setting up and maintaining boundaries is one of the most impactful things you can do to create a peaceful co-parenting environment. When you define your needs clearly, communicate with respect, seek agreement, implement consistently and stay open to adjustments, you create a framework that respects both parents and keeps the focus of the well-being of your children. If you're looking for more guidance on setting and maintaining boundaries, my free three-part co-parenting worship has you covered. Head over to 15minuteswithdadcom for slash co-parent to sign up. This workshop offers practical strategies to help you navigate co-parenting more confidently and effectively.

Speaker 1: 16:33

Next week, we'll be discussing what to do when boundaries are tested because, let's face it, there will be times when they are. We'll cover strategies for handling pushback and keeping things on track without letting emotions take over. Until next time, make sure you subscribe to 15 Minutes with Dad on your favorite podcast platform. Follow us on social media 15 Minutes with Dad for daily co-parenting tips. Follow us on social media 15 Minutes with Dad for daily co-parenting tips. As always, join us every Friday for Dad List Chat on our live call-in segment, where we'll discuss real-life co-parenting challenges. Remember boundaries. Create the structure for a healthy co-parenting relationship. Set them, respect them and adjust them when necessary, and watch how they transform your journey.