Life after Separation: Get Back Out There and Know When to Completely Walk Away | Suhaiba Neill

Explore the power of resilience and learn the secrets to authentic leadership with Suhaiba Neill, a remarkable author and entrepreneur, in our empowering new episode. Suhaiba joins us to share the wisdom from her book "Like a Girl: 22 Leadership Lessons for Women on the Rise," discussing the delicate balance between standing strong and knowing when it's time to pivot. As a parent leading by example, you'll discover how to apply these principles to your own life, whether you're a mother, a father, or a guardian steering your family through the tides of life's challenges.

This episode is a treasure trove of real-world stories and actionable insights, not just for the boardroom, but also for the living room. We tackle the complexities of setting boundaries, making life-changing decisions, and co-parenting with grace and effective communication. Suhaiba's journey and the candid sharing of my own experiences will guide you through the nuances of nurturing professional aspirations while honoring your personal values. Tune in to be inspired and equipped to lead like a champion, not just "Like a Girl," but like a true visionary in every aspect of your life.

Chapters

• 0:48 Resilience and Leadership Lessons in Fatherhood
• 7:42 Be Determined to Complete what You Start
• 16:07 Navigating Boundaries and Making Decisions
• 20:15 Navigating Co-Parenting With Authentic Communication

Transcript

Lirec: 0:48

Welcome to today's episode of 15 Minutes with Dad, our new segment, dad's Lighthouse, where we explore the ups and downs of fatherhood and how we can navigate these experiences with resilience and wisdom. I'm L, your host Today. We're thrilled to have a very special guest, suhaiba Neal, owner of the Full Circle Business and author of the new book Like a Girl. Suhaiba brings a unique perspective on empowerment and resilience, which she beautifully captures in her latest work. She's an author of Like a Girl 22 Leadership Lessons for Women on the Rise, and based on her own experience of growing up with all brothers and working in an all-male dominated industry of 25 years, like a Girl is a distillation of the knowledge and wisdom she gained throughout her journey into leadership. She shares these 22 lessons in the hopes of helping other women on the rise claim their space and seat at the table.

Lirec: 1:42

Today, she joins us to discuss not only her new book, but also to dive deep into what it means to get out there and get back up and knowing when to walk away. To get out there and get back up and knowing when to walk away and you may be wondering why did I invite Zuhai Benil on this show for 15 minutes with dad. I believe and she also believes she says this that the 21 lessons actually apply to both men and female, and there's one lesson the woman's intuition that applies to women. So I think that these principles are very much applicable to the fathers that are listening and to everyone that will listen. You'll get a lot out of this conversation, so let's get started and learn more about how these principles can be applied in our lives as parents and fathers. Suhaiba, it's great to have you on the show.

Suhaiba Neill: 2:30

Thank you. It's great to be here and I'm excited to dive into the conversation.

Lirec: 2:35

Nice. Yeah, I'm excited as well. And before we jump into our main discussion, can you tell us about a little bit about your journey and what inspired you to write Like a Girl?

Suhaiba Neill: 2:44

Yes, so, as you stated when you read my bio, I've grown up with all brothers very sports oriented household and then worked in three male-dominated industries over the length of my career to date, and my daughter was my inspiration to finish the book. I was thinking about all the lessons I've learned over the course of my life and how things in earlier years prepared me for things that happened and were presented to me in later years. So I decided that that was valuable information. It was my gift to her, but I was also encouraged to share it with the rest of the world as well. So now it's out and about for any and everyone that's looking for some maybe just a different perspective on leadership and what that means. For me, it's all about authenticity.

Suhaiba Neill: 3:30

Yeah, and that kind of thread runs through the whole book. Just one of those things where I feel like if I could be helpful which is one of my favorite things to the next generation of leaders.

Lirec: 3:44

That was my goal. Like, this is some very powerful stuff, so I'm excited to get into this conversation and these two topics that we're talking about today get out of their way, get out of your own way and get back up and knowing when to walk away. These topics stood out to me and I wanted to share them with my listeners, so let's get into it. I know so hyper resilience is a key theme in your book as well as in life. Can you share a personal story or a key insight that highlights the importance of getting back up after a setback, or particularly in the context of parenting?

Suhaiba Neill: 4:20

Yeah, and so in the book it's about being little, like literally being young, and having older brothers one that's seven years older than me, one that's five years older than me and it's lots of sports and lots of street hockey with the brothers and the rest of the kids on the street and kind of getting beat up and banged around a little bit, and with that translated to in my leadership roles which came later in life was you're going to hit a wall at some point as a leader, but if it's in your house, it's in your workplace, whatever it may be.

Suhaiba Neill: 4:54

I feel like I always tell people to you are the's in your house, it's in your workplace, whatever it may be. I always tell people too, you are the leader in your own life as well, and so the goal is to not quit. So it can be really easy to give yourself something to just throw in the towel and say oh, you know it's not worth it.

Suhaiba Neill: 5:08

It's not worth it. But in the end I always tease too and I tell my daughter like when you start things, you really should finish them and see them all the way through. Every once in a while you start something and it takes you down a path where you may come to a realization. This isn't quite what I thought, wasn't what I expected, and then you can recalibrate. But nine times out of 10, when you start something, you should finish it.

Suhaiba Neill: 5:30

Especially as a leader and it's someone that's setting a tone and an example for others, whether it's in your house or in your work.

Lirec: 5:37

Yeah, I've talked to my daughter about that very same concept of, and it's something that I learned a little bit later in my life about the consistency. I think that growing up I learned how to survive and I spent a lot of my time navigating life as a survivalist and not really cultivating any opportunities that came my way. I can create an opportunity, but to actually build that consistency in and develop that opportunity was a little tough, was tough for me because I didn't understand that I was just squandering different opportunities and when things didn't work out, I just I was just like, all right, it didn't work out, what's the next thing? I think sometimes it's beneficial, given that the circumstances, like you said, you have gone all the way through it and was like, okay, now I need to pivot. But I think it's all looked at as it all should be looked at as a learning lesson. More than this is the end result at all times, and if my end result doesn't come out this way, then it doesn't work. That's how I've applied that and that story.

Lirec: 6:36

There was a story in your book that really stood out to me, like we said earlier in your personal anecdote, about when you were just wanting to hang out with your brothers. All the time you were like on their tail and you want to be a part of everything, everything that it was doing. But they didn't take it easy on you. You kept getting out there, you kept getting back up. I know like throughout that time you probably got knocked down, beat down, bruised up and they didn't like take it soft on you and be like hey, you want to get up here or let's stop, let's take it easy, like no, they. They probably stomped you into the ground and had you figure it out.

Suhaiba Neill: 7:09

And I think the world's not going to take it easy on you either, and knowing that and going into that with that mentality really makes a big difference. So I think you set the tone for yourself, number one, by being determined to finish what you start, and you're also, like I said, showing and leading by example, because if you've got kids, they're watching, they're watching all the time, they're watching more than you realize. So what you tell them and what you show them are two very different things, and it's easy to throw in the towel and say forget it, as opposed to finding that pause moment I call like. So for me it was like get myself back together and take a deep breath and regroup, but it's really crucial. So there's three things I like to talk about too.

Suhaiba Neill: 7:53

When you're talking about consistency, the only way to be successful at anything is to have the discipline and the consistency and the accountability to get from start to finish. And if you quit every time, the going gets tough, you'll never build that kind of muscle quote unquote and you won't be building in that habit of resilience which you mentioned. To stay the course, you need to learn. I tease too, like some things I've done and I've started and I've finished and I will never do them again. That first time I'm like you know what. I'm seeing this through to the end and now I know that's not what I was expecting. It's not my favorite thing to do.

Lirec: 8:41

So we're not going to go down that road again, but I think, just for your personal development, it's really good to stay the course and finish, take the lesson and then move on. How can fathers model this behavior effectively in their daily lives? I think that I like those three concepts that apply to this principle. I like those three concepts that apply to this principle. Now, when we talk about making this model actionable in their behavior, are there any things that they can do in their daily lives that would help them build up this resilience in themselves and their children?

Suhaiba Neill: 9:05

Yeah, I think just modeling it as much as possible. So if you say you're going to do something, make sure you do it, do it in a timely fashion. And I think it's interesting that, for me at least, the pandemic changed a lot of things, because I came home to work from home and my daughter was doing school from home for a while and it was end of sophomore, beginning of junior year of high school for her.

Lirec: 9:30

And I'm like.

Suhaiba Neill: 9:30

So now she's seeing me at work in a different light, depending on what your situation is now in terms of work and where you're working and what your kids are witnessing Just really modeling for them that discipline you know, and again admitting like, hey, you know what? Today was a really long day. I didn't quite get to where I needed to be, but I'm gonna rest and tomorrow I'm gonna get back at it, as opposed to leaving things unfinished. If that's the pattern they see consistently, then it's really gonna be hard to ask them to do things differently if you're not modeling it for them.

Lirec: 10:05

Yeah, I can definitely attest to that. I had to. That's basically been my experience with most of being a single dad for a huge chunk of my life. But understanding if I'm asking my child to become this thing or take on these behaviors like accountability, discipline, consistency and I had to model that exact same behavior. So it grew me in so many different ways because I felt like my child needed these principles, but I didn't actually exercise these principles in that same way, because she'll be like but you aren't doing this, so why do I have to do this? And you actually, they're modeling what they see.

Lirec: 10:43

And so when I think about this accountability principle like my daughter kept me accountable I would say something out loud specifically for her to hear me. And she for, especially when she was seven and eight, oh, she will not hold back. Like if she see me like half-ass it is, she going to tell me like dad, like you said you was going to do this, but you didn't do this specifically to the way that you said you were going to do it. And so it made me backtrack, clutch my pearls a little bit and figure out how to really navigate fatherhood differently. But, yeah, I like those principles and that's a powerful way to look at resilience and recoveries. Now let's shift our focus when it's necessary to take a step back, which is equally important. How do we know when to walk away?

Suhaiba Neill: 13:13

Yeah, for me a lot of this came down to boundaries and just the dynamic in the world of male versus female and women versus men in the workplace especially, and what the expectations are around those traditional quote unquote roles that we fill um. But I think, and it's interesting, I just met a woman. She either talked to our group about shifting the energy and talked about how you have the physical energy you expend every day.

Suhaiba Neill: 13:42

You have the cognitive, mental energy you expend every day, and then you have emotional energy, which actually we use the most of on any given day, without necessarily realizing it.

Suhaiba Neill: 13:51

When you're in a space that you know no longer feels good or right for you, it becomes exhausting, very, very quickly and I think, like I said at the beginning, you're the leader of your life and if you can't stand up for yourself when you're in a situation that no longer serves you, then you're doing yourself a disservice and, by your default, you're also doing a disservice to those around you. It's interesting I was on with a friend today, a gentleman who we check in every week because he's got some goals for this year, and I've got some goals and he's my accountability partner to make sure, we keep working towards things, and he was in a job that didn't love and but he's like I need to stick it out for the year because I have financial goals I want to meet.

Suhaiba Neill: 14:36

and then he finally realized partly on his own enough over the course of some conversations that we had as well, he didn't need to stick it out for a year, he had other options, and so he put in his two weeks notice and he's looking into other options and what happens is, when you stay somewhere you're not meant to be, you delay what is meant for you and, like I said, that burnout is real and it's, I think, a little bit more prevalent than ever now because of the pace that we're all running at yeah and it can sound dramatic to walk away, but at same time, what's the flip side of the coin Sacrificing yourself and your mental well-being and that all dissipates and shows up at home as well.

Lirec: 15:20

Could you discuss a moment when you realized that walking away was the best choice for you?

Suhaiba Neill: 15:26

I think what's interesting and I've done it a couple of times the one time I did it where it wasn't really like absolutely positively I wasn't in a horrible job, but because my life had changed, it really was the best choice for me and in the process of being there, got married and had a baby and having a newborn and 41 home games and working nights and weekends and having our days a couple of days a week just was not conducive to our well-being. So I love the job. I'm still on the season ticket holder now. Basketball is my favorite sport. But as far as my life went went, it just didn't make sense anymore to make that decision that, hey, you know what.

Suhaiba Neill: 16:15

What's best for all of us, it's for me to move into something new and then in other instances it's just a matter of, like I said, establishing boundaries and I always tell people because it's in a family business, it's tricky because you work with, you know, a parent or a sibling and people that have known you your whole life, and so that's a very different dynamic, um, but without those boundaries, it's very difficult to be your best self and yeah, having actually the friend I was on the phone with today too, I'm like it's not personal, it's business, like they hired you to do this.

Suhaiba Neill: 16:49

This is what they said they were going to give you. They're not holding up their end of the bargain. It's not personal Like you. Have a life to live and just as much as they have a right to their half of this the story, you have your right to your half of the story as well.

Lirec: 17:03

Yeah, and I can. I can definitely attest to that. There was two moments where I made some really big pivots in my life. The one was when I first got married and I left my relationship. It was extremely toxic. It was very, very hurtful, stressed me out. We didn't spend a lot of time together. There was affairs taking place and I was just like I'm staying here trying to hoping to work things out. My mental health was so shot. I just like yo, I got to, I got to figure out something because I cannot do this anymore and I just I put it in.

Lirec: 17:39

I put in a one week's notice to to my ex-wife and I told her next week, and next week I'm leaving. I had found a little hole in the wall. It was literally nothing. A friend of mine was moving out. There was no lease, that was basically subletting and paying somebody $300 to $400 to live in a studio apartment in this shack in the hood. I was just like it was no, we've. We've since talked and worked through those situations, like as far as like forgiving each other and like moving on from that and closing that chapter. But it was at a point where I was like I am, I I'm either going to commit violence or I'm going to leave. I'm going to have to, like, separate my mind and my body from this space, from this atmosphere, and I made the choice to just leave with the one week's notice.

Lirec: 18:31

And then, obviously, in work it's happened a lot Like in this day and age, turnover is so high and in most organizations and it's usually hard to keep employees if you're not doing a great job. There was, there was a I was working at a research firm and they're they're wanting these high capacities. They want to like hey, I want to visualize data, I want it to look like this, I want to do this. And I was like hey guys, y'all want analysts, let me be the data and let me just, let me just build up your capacity and build out your power behind your Tableau experience. So you should, you can see data in its most beautiful way. And I started working on it. And then they was like then, 10 days in, they was like is it done? Is it done? Is it? I'm like yo, it's not done. I just it takes time, I have to actually get all the data and then I have to visualize the data. So it was just like a lot of.

Lirec: 19:16

They wanted what I could give, but they weren't prepared to to not even just wait, but they weren't prepared to deliver the resources that I needed to make sure that I provided what I needed. And I realized, like my skill sets are valuable elsewhere. And so we I had a meeting with them. We had my little eight, my little 60 day I don't even know 60, 90 day review. And then we had a conversation. I was like, look, no hard feelings, but this is not working out for me. And they was like, yeah, we agree Anytime. They wanted to keep the relationship cordial, but they was like, yeah, it's just not working.

Lirec: 19:52

We had hopes for other stuff, but yeah, like you said when you know it's time to go, it's time to go.

Suhaiba Neill: 19:58

And if you don't stand up for yourself, no one else is really going to do it either.

Lirec: 20:02

Yeah.

Suhaiba Neill: 20:03

And I think sometimes we struggle with that a little bit. But you're like you said, you're just as valuable and it's important that we all have environments that are conducive to our success. One of the reasons the book is called 22 Leadership Lessons for Women on the Rise is because, for me personally, I feel like, hopefully, I'm continuing to evolve and next week I'll learn something new and be a little bit better at something than I am this week, and year over year I'm going to continue to evolve. So the goal is to continue growth, and I don't think it's necessarily in the light of trying to be hurtful, but not everybody can go with you through all of those iterations.

Lirec: 20:46

Yeah, for sure so again divorced as well.

Suhaiba Neill: 20:48

Single mom tried as hard as I could to make it work and realize that this is no longer. When we got together, in the beginning we were in alignment and then, as time moved on, I feel like I tease that we were on the same path and then the road split and I went one way and he went the other.

Suhaiba Neill: 21:02

I feel like I tease that we were on the same path and then the road split and I went one way and he went the other and there was just really no way to meet back in the middle somewhere that worked well for both of us, so it was healthier for us to not be together, and we're in a much better place now because of the fact that we don't have to literally live in the same house and make those big decisions together, and I continue to grow and evolve, and I think I've done things that I probably would not have done had I stayed in that relationship, and as hard as it was.

Suhaiba Neill: 21:30

I tease that, like I'm the one that didn't believe in divorce until I found myself in a place where there really was no other option If I wanted to continue to be my true self.

Lirec: 21:40

That's a that's a hard, that's a hard decision to make. That's a tough place to be, especially after making a commitment to family, commitment through relationship and loving this person. I said it in a short span and it was like sound, easier said than done. But in in the moment, a lot of fathers, they tend to have these, they be in, they in this relationships and they start to put all of what they can do in a relationship. And then the woman they they still feel like the woman is not satisfied with all the work that they're doing, but it's just they're not listening in a way that the woman's communicating on what she needs.

Lirec: 22:24

And I'm not saying that was your case, but a lot of stories in a lot of these group chats that I'm in supporting fathers and the chat that I have on Discord, we talk through these scenarios on, like their problems with their relationship, their problems with their wife and their disagreements on these different things that come into play and they either overcommit themselves or they undercommit themselves and end up walking away. And what signs should dads look for to recognize when it's time to walk away?

Suhaiba Neill: 22:55

I think, when you can no longer honor who you are at the core. And, like I said, my goal with everything I do is to be as authentic as possible, Because I think when we're being our true self and our authentic self and our best self, that should be the goal for all of us. That's funny, too, because it made me think of another chapter which is also. Somebody asked me they're like oh, tell me all the chapters in your book.

Suhaiba Neill: 23:20

I'm like, yeah, I need to review the list because I can't tick them off one by one but, there's one about communication and relationships, and I think that's the other thing that I've always done my best to focus on and I've seen more and more as I've progressed through my role in leadership in different phases and stages of my life.

Suhaiba Neill: 23:43

You got to have open two-line communication going and be honest with people and relationships, at the end of the day, really matter more. So, like for me too, leaving a job or leaving a relationship or leaving a situation that doesn't fit for you can still be done nine times out of 10, gracefully, actually. I'll tell you another little funny story. So in family business we used to rent a bunch of properties, and one of the things we rented were these garages for extra storage. And the time came we didn't really need them anymore and so I sent this email off to the guy. I never met him in my life. I said thank you for all the years of service. We no longer need this space anymore. So tell me what the process is to go ahead and not renew the lease. And so very polite, cordial, professional about it. So fast forward, maybe a year at the most, and it turns out my daughter and his daughter ended up in preschool together.

Suhaiba Neill: 24:35

Oh, wow, and we're at this mixer on, like back to school mixer that they had, and chatting up with this couple and they're like, oh, what do you do? I said, oh, johnny will paint a family business. My dad owns it. He's like I got the most polite email from someone there that say we no longer need the garages and thank you, and like reiterated what I said and I jokingly raised my hand. I'm like that was from me and so I could have been rude and obnoxious about it and then would have to deal with either not admitting to the fact that it was me or having a kind of a weird relationship starter for the dad of what turned out to be one of my daughter's best friend couple of years.

Suhaiba Neill: 25:11

So I think it's always I tease, and as I'm always the first to say that I'm still a work in progress as well, but, telling the truth with love is the goal in everything I talk, about getting back to neutral, so it's not about you or me, or I and me and my pointing fingers, but being truthful with yourself and then evaluating the situation, having those difficult conversations and keeping the lines of communication open.

Lirec: 25:42

Yeah.

Suhaiba Neill: 25:42

And telling the truth with love. Like hey, is there a way to resolve this so that everybody wins, or is there a better path forward for all of us, so that we can all thrive? And I tease now that my and my former husband were meant to be. We just weren't meant to be. Forever is what it came down to.

Lirec: 26:02

I really liked that point that you made, that that it just expressing the truth with love, right, like, I think, that conflict, if people, most people don't have a great communication skills and when conflict comes about, the resolving of that conflict gets thrown off to the side, when communication is just terrible. And what I've seen a lot of is that men aren't really taught this beautiful communication skills overall. It depends on what generation they're coming from. It's all these different aspects. But generally speaking you'll find that men communicate.

Lirec: 26:44

Obviously we communicate differently than women, but the communication skill level and emotional intelligence is so low in most cases that when it comes to expressing those simple things, those resolving conflicts, we don't say it with love, we say it with how upset we are because we've held it in for so long and it blows up out of our mouth and make things worse. But I love that statement that you said expressing the truth with love. And you can find that middle ground in that conflict space. It may not mean that it'll be solved, it'll mean that you've communicated it, the other person understands, you communicate it and y'all resolve the situation as a whole as a in an amicable way, I like that I really like touching that.

Suhaiba Neill: 27:31

The tip for all the guys out there if you read the book, you'll get a different perspective on leadership, which I think is always helpful, and, like I said, I like to explore different genres and different voices and different perspectives, just for having a more well-rounded approach to things and being better at maybe seeing something from a different point of view.

Lirec: 27:54

Yeah, yeah. So recognizing when to walk away is definitely crucial for maintaining our mental health and wellbeing. So, as we wrap up, let's pull together some concluding thoughts. So, haiba, as we conclude today's episode, could you just give one piece of actionable advice for our listeners, something they could start implementing today to enhance their approach to co-parenting?

Suhaiba Neill: 28:17

Oh, co-parenting, I think one is for me, the kids always come first and they're, depending on what stage and phase you are in, if you're in a relationship still and co-parenting together, or you're separated and trying to co-parent from two different households. That was always my first thought and I had step kids and then had my daughter as well, so the kids always came first in terms of what's best and obviously doing my best and our best not to have difficult conversations in front of them. That was possible, I think, being clear, like you said in a couple of those chapters in there about communication and relationships and having difficult conversations and being willing to get authentic and vulnerable about who you are, where you are, so that you can have those conversations openly.

Suhaiba Neill: 29:09

And I call it getting back to neutral, like trying to stay in a place where it's not about judgment, it's just about. This is how I feel and this is how you feel and how do we make this work together. This is how you feel and how do we make this work together. And then again, like I said, really modeling for your kids what it is to be, you know, the leader of your life, to be authentic in your pursuit and your purpose. And also and I've done it myself, it's funny because she still has, I think, it hanging up in her closet my daughter. There was a time when I actually wrote her a little apology because we'd had teenage years are fun.

Lirec: 29:49

I'm in it. I'm in it right now. I'm in it right now. I'm suffering.

Suhaiba Neill: 29:54

Sometimes it is in the heat of the moment, you say things that you wish you hadn't said and being able, like I realized, as a, as a parent, like I have to admit to her that messed up like that was my bad and so having them see that there's also really important, as opposed to like I'm the parent, so I'm never wrong, it's not true.

Suhaiba Neill: 30:12

Like I said some, we all have bad days, we all have moments where we struggle a little bit and, being real about that, I think, makes it easier for them as well to be real about it.

Lirec: 30:37

Anyone looking to empower themselves and their daughters and if you have women in your life that are on the rise, make sure you get this book for more insights like what you heard today. You can give us some kind of rating on whatever platform you're listening on. Give us a rating and visit our website at 15minuteswithdadcom. I will link Zuhayba's book Like a Girl 22 Leadership Lessons for Women on the Rise. I will link it in the podcast notes on that website at 15minuteswithdadcom forward, slash 20. That's 15minuteswithdadcom forward, slash 20. And to subscribe for more episodes. So thank you for listening and until next time, keep striving and thriving in your parenting journey. Suhaiba, thank you for joining us. You have given us with, left us with amazing insights.

Suhaiba Neill: 31:25

Well, thank you for having me and letting me share a different perspective for the dads and my journey into leadership.

Lirec: 31:34

Absolutely. I love it. We'll stay in touch. You take care.